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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27953057">draw a monster. why is it a monster?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/midnightchapters/pseuds/midnightchapters'>midnightchapters</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Avatar: The Last Airbender</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Aang (Avatar) Needs a Hug, Air Nomad Genocide (Avatar), Angst, Author projecting onto Aang, Character Study, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt Aang, Hurt No Comfort, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, aang deserves the world, aang needs that, i like them being there for him, im exploring him in ways that mostly tend to get overlooked, roku yangchen kyoshi are here for a bit, sokka zuko toph katara are mentioned and very brief, too bad im not giving it to him in this fic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-11 00:08:35</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,633</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27953057</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/midnightchapters/pseuds/midnightchapters</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Aang is - was - bright and beautiful; but then he isn't. </p><p>War tends to do that to you.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>39</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>draw a monster. why is it a monster?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>wrote this bc of my shit unhealthy coping mechanisms and ways to deal. its not even coping. some people say but whatever</p><p>so im doing what i can do and the next best thing !!! PROJECT !!!!</p><p>quote from Daughter by Janice Lee</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>Aang does not mourn.</p><p>Aang does not mourn.</p><p>Aang <em>does not</em> mourn. </p><p>Why should he? </p><p>He might have lost all his people and they are no more but that does not mattter. He does not mourn. </p><p>Aang is an Avatar. The Avatar of today and tomorrow of now. And that might not be an excuse for dealing the way he does with things that affect him but it is okay. It is an excuse, to him at least. He'll treat is as an excuse. </p><p>He is an Avatar, but yet he isn't. </p><p>He is Kyoshi, Roku, Kuruk, Yangchen, everyone but he isn't. </p><p>So, he does not mourn. He does not mourn at all. </p><p>Aang is good, he is alright, he is great, he is fine. </p><p>He is the Avatar. He <em>has</em> to be fine and everything. He cannot let himself slip (but he already is). </p><p>He has to be fine. His people are gone and what should he do about it? Nothing. He can't change it. His people are gone and that is fine.</p><p>He is fine. He is. </p><p>He copes but he does not mourn. He never mourns. </p><p>Aang never had a chance to in his life, why should he start now? </p><p>He is Avatar Kyoshi, Roku, Yangchen, Kuruk and they are fine. He is fine. </p><p>Aang is the boy from the iceberg, he is the boy who took Ozai's fire away, he is the Avatar. He is everything before he is Aang. </p><p>He is nothing. </p><p>It relieves him in a way. Being nothing.</p><p>Being nothing, he has no weight, he's free. He's not the Avatar, or the saviour, or Aang.</p><p>He just is. </p><p>(Aang is something in the air. Was something in the air, becomes something in the air. His people are already something. Were already something. Much better than him. Always are and will be even if they are gone now.</p><p>No. No they are not gone. They're still alive, they have to be-) </p><p>He does not grieve. He does not mourn. </p><p>Aang is nothing and something when he<em> is</em>. </p><p>(He likes it. One of the things he can admit he likes. He loves his family, yes, but its hard to—) </p><p>The war is over but it isn't. The war is over but it's not for him. The war is over, what should he do now? </p><p>What should he do now?</p><p>The war had taken over his life from the moment he came out of the iceberg, and from then on it that had been his life. That had been it, had been everything. What he strived for, his purpose. His mission. Without the war, what is he to do now?</p><p>Nothing. Just like he is nothing. </p><p>Aang's life had been built on the war now it's—</p><p>Aang has always had unbearable sadness deep in his soul, heart, every crack down within. </p><p>He can't help it. What he thinks, what he does, what he feels. He can't help anything at all like he can't help himself.</p><p>There are bruises and wounds too heavy, and sharp and strong. It's as if he's choking on La's ocean, it's waves and–</p><p>There's a lot Aang can't say. </p><p>He can't help it. </p><p>Aang has always wanted his people. But they are not here and not alive and so the only way he copes and can cope is imagine the things they'd say that sound so wrong coming out of their mouths because they were never known to be like that but it <em>comforts</em> him. Comforts him in a twisted way, but it's the only way. </p><p>(He did not lose anything. He did not lose anyone<em> at all</em>.)</p><p>The only way to convince himself they're dissapointed and they hate him and that he didn't have them as family, <em>never</em> had them as family. </p><p>It's the only thing he can do. It's what he can do. Besides, his people are no longer here, what are they going to do? Rise from the grave (they have no graves, had no graves, they didn't have a sky burial,<em> couldn't</em>) or come in spirit form and tell him to stop? Maybe, maybe not. But, even if they do tell him, he cannot stop even if he tries because this has become his way to live and life and—</p><p>Draw a monster. What makes it a monster? Why is it a monster?</p><p>It's much easier to believe something that is false than what is real and convince yourself. </p><p>Monk Gyatso never liked him. He wasn't his ward and his child and Monk Gyatso never wanted to be Aang's father– <em>why is he calling him a father? he'd be disgusted</em> than <em>my little one, i love you aang, i'm so happy you're safe, tell me about your friends.</em></p><p>Anything– to avoid hurt he'd go to his greatest unimaginable (to others) lengths. </p><p>Aang does not mourn. </p><p>Life goes on. The world doesn't stop and he does too (barely). </p>
<p></p><div>
<p></p><div class="css-1dbjc4n r-eqz5dr r-l4nmg1">
<p></p><div class="css-18t94o4 css-1dbjc4n r-obd0qt r-1loqt21 r-1ny4l3l">
<p></p><div class="css-1dbjc4n r-18u37iz r-17s6mgv r-1hfyk0a r-1nwbi2h">
<p></p><div class="css-1dbjc4n r-obd0qt r-1wbh5a2">
<p></p><div class="css-1dbjc4n r-173mn98 r-1vkxrha r-zmljjp r-v6khid r-1867qdf r-t12b5v r-deolkf r-dnmrzs r-1ny4l3l r-1j3t67a r-1w50u8q r-o7ynqc r-6416eg">
<p></p><div class="css-901oao r-jwli3a r-1qd0xha r-a023e6 r-16dba41 r-ad9z0x r-bcqeeo r-1udh08x r-bnwqim r-fdjqy7 r-qvutc0"><p>
                <span class="css-901oao css-16my406 r-1qd0xha r-ad9z0x r-bcqeeo r-qvutc0">He does not do anything. To stop it. He goes on with his life and lets the world see that nothing is wrong with the Avatar. Aang is bright and happy and okay.</span>
              </p></div></div></div></div></div><div class="css-1dbjc4n r-173mn98 r-17s6mgv r-1bymd8e r-1udh08x r-1nwbi2h"><p><em>He is. </em>(He isn't, he knows)<em>. </em></p></div></div></div><div>
<p></p><div class="css-1dbjc4n r-eqz5dr r-l4nmg1">
<p></p><div class="css-18t94o4 css-1dbjc4n r-obd0qt r-1loqt21 r-1ny4l3l">
<p></p><div class="css-1dbjc4n r-18u37iz r-17s6mgv r-1hfyk0a r-1nwbi2h"><p>So, it goes. Meeting after meeting and negotiations and helping after no end but this–<em> this</em> meeting is different. He almost doesn't keep himself in tact, almost doesn't manage to catch and restrain himself but. Aang does not mourn. He does not mourn at all. </p></div></div></div></div><div>
  <p>Aang is nothing in a universe full of something. He wishes he was never the Avatar, wishes that he died with the rest of the Air Nomads, it would've been better. For everyone and everything. </p>
</div><div>
<p></p><div class="css-1dbjc4n r-eqz5dr r-k8qxaj">
<p></p><div class="css-18t94o4 css-1dbjc4n r-obd0qt r-1loqt21 r-1ny4l3l">
<p></p><div class="css-1dbjc4n r-18u37iz r-17s6mgv r-1hfyk0a r-1nwbi2h">
<p></p><div class="css-1dbjc4n r-obd0qt r-1wbh5a2">
<p></p><div class="css-1dbjc4n r-173mn98 r-1kplyi6 r-zmljjp r-v6khid r-1867qdf r-t12b5v r-deolkf r-dnmrzs r-1ny4l3l r-1j3t67a r-1w50u8q r-o7ynqc r-6416eg">
<p></p><div class="css-901oao r-jwli3a r-1qd0xha r-a023e6 r-16dba41 r-ad9z0x r-bcqeeo r-1udh08x r-bnwqim r-fdjqy7 r-qvutc0"><p>Draw a monster. What makes it a monster? Why is it a monster? </p><p>Zuko's sitting on his right, this meeting and someone, Aang doesn't know who, says some passing remark about the his people who left. Some negative comment, he knows, he hears it and Zuko looks at him, everyone does, but he still wears the smile with forced emotion in his eyes and slowed energy. Zuko probably says something and the person gets taken away, he thinks. Aang doesn't know what Zuko said to him but it's something along the lines of <em>You okay, Aang? He had no right to say that to you. I can–</em> before promptly cutting off and Aang tells him <em>I'm alright, Zuko! Don't worry about me</em> but after. After—\</p><p>He barely holds himself from crying. </p><p>But he does not mourn. And—</p><p>He feels like dying. </p><p>Draw a monster. What makes it a monster? Why is it a monster? </p>
<p></p><div>
<p></p><div class="css-1dbjc4n r-eqz5dr r-k8qxaj">
<p></p><div class="css-18t94o4 css-1dbjc4n r-obd0qt r-1loqt21 r-1ny4l3l">
<p></p><div class="css-1dbjc4n r-18u37iz r-17s6mgv r-1hfyk0a r-1nwbi2h">
<p></p><div class="css-1dbjc4n r-obd0qt r-1wbh5a2">
<p></p><div class="css-1dbjc4n r-173mn98 r-1kplyi6 r-zmljjp r-v6khid r-1867qdf r-t12b5v r-deolkf r-dnmrzs r-1ny4l3l r-1j3t67a r-1w50u8q r-o7ynqc r-6416eg">
<p></p><div class="css-901oao r-jwli3a r-1qd0xha r-a023e6 r-16dba41 r-ad9z0x r-bcqeeo r-1udh08x r-bnwqim r-fdjqy7 r-qvutc0">
<p></p><div>
<p></p><div class="css-1dbjc4n r-eqz5dr r-l4nmg1">
<p></p><div class="css-18t94o4 css-1dbjc4n r-obd0qt r-1loqt21 r-1ny4l3l">
<p></p><div class="css-1dbjc4n r-18u37iz r-17s6mgv r-1hfyk0a r-1nwbi2h">
<p></p><div class="css-1dbjc4n r-obd0qt r-1wbh5a2">
<p></p><div class="css-1dbjc4n r-173mn98 r-1kplyi6 r-zmljjp r-v6khid r-1867qdf r-t12b5v r-deolkf r-dnmrzs r-1ny4l3l r-1j3t67a r-1w50u8q r-o7ynqc r-6416eg">
<p></p><div class="css-901oao r-jwli3a r-1qd0xha r-a023e6 r-16dba41 r-ad9z0x r-bcqeeo r-1udh08x r-bnwqim r-fdjqy7 r-qvutc0"><p>
                                            <span class="css-901oao css-16my406 r-1qd0xha r-ad9z0x r-bcqeeo r-qvutc0">In some ways, in many ways, he feels abandoned. Neglected. Even though he knows that it wasn't their fault, it was his, they never meant for this to happen, they didn't even know this was going to happen, none of them did and yet-</span>
                                          </p><p>
                                            <span class="css-901oao css-16my406 r-1qd0xha r-ad9z0x r-bcqeeo r-qvutc0">Aang is empty. He is alone. He is a chamber. He is a ghost.</span>
                                          </p></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div><p>He is a child. H<span class="css-901oao css-16my406 r-1qd0xha r-ad9z0x r-bcqeeo r-qvutc0">e is a soldier. He is an Air Nomad. He is the Avatar thrust into war and now after it's over he has no clue how to pick up the pieces. He is thirteen years old. </span></p><p>
                <span class="css-901oao css-16my406 r-1qd0xha r-ad9z0x r-bcqeeo r-qvutc0">Aang doesn't feel anything. Doesn't feel at all. He is numb. He is nothing. </span>
              </p><p><em> <span class="css-901oao css-16my406 r-1qd0xha r-ad9z0x r-bcqeeo r-qvutc0">Candramā sang Yueo. </span> </em> <span class="css-901oao css-16my406 r-1qd0xha r-ad9z0x r-bcqeeo r-qvutc0">Mourn with the moon. </span></p><p>
                <span class="css-901oao css-16my406 r-1qd0xha r-ad9z0x r-bcqeeo r-qvutc0">All those nights, what does he do? Mourn? No. He loathes. It's filled with loathing because that is all Aang is capable of. </span>
              </p></div><div class="css-901oao r-jwli3a r-1qd0xha r-a023e6 r-16dba41 r-ad9z0x r-bcqeeo r-1udh08x r-bnwqim r-fdjqy7 r-qvutc0"><p><em> <span class="css-901oao css-16my406 r-1qd0xha r-ad9z0x r-bcqeeo r-qvutc0">Candramā sang Yueo. </span> </em> <span class="css-901oao css-16my406 r-1qd0xha r-ad9z0x r-bcqeeo r-qvutc0">Guess he tainted another thing too. </span></p><p>He loathes, he does not mourn. </p><p>Instead, <span class="css-901oao css-16my406 r-1qd0xha r-ad9z0x r-bcqeeo r-qvutc0">he immerses himself with work. Negotiations and trades and meetings together with the Fire Lord and building, thinking of a would-be Republic City, so he never forcuses on grief.</span></p><p>
                <span class="css-901oao css-16my406 r-1qd0xha r-ad9z0x r-bcqeeo r-qvutc0">Aang travels on his own, everyone is busy, he doesn't want them to deal with him when they have already enough—</span>
              </p><p>
                <span class="css-901oao css-16my406 r-1qd0xha r-ad9z0x r-bcqeeo r-qvutc0">They tell him affectionately <em>"Don't get dead in the process</em>." </span>
              </p><p><em> <span class="css-901oao css-16my406 r-1qd0xha r-ad9z0x r-bcqeeo r-qvutc0">Maybe I want to. </span> </em> <span class="css-901oao css-16my406 r-1qd0xha r-ad9z0x r-bcqeeo r-qvutc0">Instead, he laughs, light and airy because he has to keep up his facade. "I'll try not to."</span></p><p>
                <span class="css-901oao css-16my406 r-1qd0xha r-ad9z0x r-bcqeeo r-qvutc0">And he leaves and doesn't stay and goes far away. </span>
              </p><p>
                <span class="css-901oao css-16my406 r-1qd0xha r-ad9z0x r-bcqeeo r-qvutc0">Kyoshi, Yangchen, Roku visit him in his sleep. In his dreams. </span>
              </p><p>
                <span class="css-901oao css-16my406 r-1qd0xha r-ad9z0x r-bcqeeo r-qvutc0">They tell him things. How this musn't get him. Yangchen's the most understanding out of them, Kyoshi is next. Roku is too but not like them.</span>
              </p><p>
                <em>
                  <span class="css-901oao css-16my406 r-1qd0xha r-ad9z0x r-bcqeeo r-qvutc0">You give up but you also take back and stand up.</span>
                </em>
                <span class="css-901oao css-16my406 r-1qd0xha r-ad9z0x r-bcqeeo r-qvutc0"> Kyoshi says. </span>
                <span class="css-901oao css-16my406 r-1qd0xha r-ad9z0x r-bcqeeo r-qvutc0">Don't</span>
                <em>
                  <span class="css-901oao css-16my406 r-1qd0xha r-ad9z0x r-bcqeeo r-qvutc0"> let this get to you.</span>
                </em>
              </p><p>
                <em>
                  <span class="css-901oao css-16my406 r-1qd0xha r-ad9z0x r-bcqeeo r-qvutc0">This is fleeting. You should grieve.</span>
                </em>
                <span class="css-901oao css-16my406 r-1qd0xha r-ad9z0x r-bcqeeo r-qvutc0"> Yangchen says.</span>
                <em>
                  <span class="css-901oao css-16my406 r-1qd0xha r-ad9z0x r-bcqeeo r-qvutc0"> It'll be there always. The only thing you can do now is let go and heal." </span>
                </em>
              </p><p>
                <em>
                  <span class="css-901oao css-16my406 r-1qd0xha r-ad9z0x r-bcqeeo r-qvutc0">Aang. Don't become what was of me.</span>
                </em>
                <span class="css-901oao css-16my406 r-1qd0xha r-ad9z0x r-bcqeeo r-qvutc0"> Rokus says.</span>
                <em>
                  <span class="css-901oao css-16my406 r-1qd0xha r-ad9z0x r-bcqeeo r-qvutc0"> I made a mistake and now this is who I am. Do not.</span>
                </em>
              </p><p>
                <span class="css-901oao css-16my406 r-1qd0xha r-ad9z0x r-bcqeeo r-qvutc0">(Kyoshi doesn't reassure Roku. She never does. It's an old man's selfishness that burdened a child who does not know how to deal for himself.)</span>
              </p><p>
                <span class="css-901oao css-16my406 r-1qd0xha r-ad9z0x r-bcqeeo r-qvutc0">(But Aang is not Kyoshi, or Yangchen, or Roku. Their words will do nothing but he can pretend it does.) </span>
              </p><p>
                <span class="css-901oao css-16my406 r-1qd0xha r-ad9z0x r-bcqeeo r-qvutc0">And Aang tries. He tries, but he doesn't. He can't stop. He can't let go of the one thing he relies on and can come back to at the end of the day which wouldn't give him any judgement, wouldn't give him <em>anything</em>. </span>
              </p><p>
                <span class="css-901oao css-16my406 r-1qd0xha r-ad9z0x r-bcqeeo r-qvutc0">Aang can't stop the only stability in his life that he leans on and can't imagine a life without it. He can't let go. Aang can't let go. </span>
              </p><p>
                <span class="css-901oao css-16my406 r-1qd0xha r-ad9z0x r-bcqeeo r-qvutc0">Mok Gyatso hates him, he digs his fingers in his skin. Katara doesn't want anything to do with him, digs his fingers in more. Sokka, Toph, Zuko never meant anything to his life they didn't want to be in it, digs his fingers in deeper. Until everything hurts and Aang-</span>
              </p><p>
                <span class="css-901oao css-16my406 r-1qd0xha r-ad9z0x r-bcqeeo r-qvutc0">Aang breaks.</span>
              </p><p>
                <span class="css-901oao css-16my406 r-1qd0xha r-ad9z0x r-bcqeeo r-qvutc0">Draw a monster. What makes it a monster? Why is it a monster?</span>
              </p><p>
                <span class="css-901oao css-16my406 r-1qd0xha r-ad9z0x r-bcqeeo r-qvutc0">You know what.</span>
              </p></div><div class="css-901oao r-jwli3a r-1qd0xha r-a023e6 r-16dba41 r-ad9z0x r-bcqeeo r-1udh08x r-bnwqim r-fdjqy7 r-qvutc0">
<p></p><div>
<p></p><div class="css-1dbjc4n r-eqz5dr r-l4nmg1">
<p></p><div class="css-18t94o4 css-1dbjc4n r-obd0qt r-1loqt21 r-1ny4l3l">
<p></p><div class="css-1dbjc4n r-18u37iz r-17s6mgv r-1hfyk0a r-1nwbi2h">
<p></p><div class="css-1dbjc4n r-obd0qt r-1wbh5a2">
<p></p><div class="css-1dbjc4n r-173mn98 r-1vkxrha r-zmljjp r-v6khid r-1867qdf r-deolkf r-dnmrzs r-1ny4l3l r-1j3t67a r-1w50u8q r-o7ynqc r-6416eg"><p>Aang is the monster.</p></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>sorry aang i had to get my hurt and angst and feelings out some way and ur my comfort character so :) </p><p>all my angst! all my feels! hell yeah </p><p>also if anyone has read my teoaang fic i referenced things from there, you gotta look for it </p><p>i know most of this didn't make sense but think of it this way: i am aang aang is me. i just altered some things so it can fit his situation/universe better but all of this is just pure me and projecting on aang. plus i didn't really know how to write this bc me actually writing out my coping mechanisms in front of me was hard to explain so i didn't go too deep in this fic but i still showed it so You Know. </p><p>and my main plan was to dive deeper and explore yangchen kyoshi roku's relationship with aang as like mentors-wise being there for him in struggle like as i wrote but :/ couldn't really work on that bc so i didn't lose my motivation to write before it went away. but i like the avatar's looking out for their future current one and i'll probs expand on it more later. </p><p>but enjoy my rushed 1am writing! please give me validation bc i live for it and yeah, love you!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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